You know, this guy I met from work. He's a joker, happy go lucky, kind, unharmful at all, always try to make me smile. He's everything that suits my life. However, I ruin his first relationship.
When I met him at work the first time, I felt a sense of familiarity. Maybe I seen him somewhere or just crazy. However, truth is he's my senior in my secondary school. With this, I find myself love to work with him cause he cleared my tiredness away. So I pled him or even beg him to transfer me to ion by asking the manager there. Using a rather funny way "I'll love you for life "...
He was always joking with me either in face or in msg. Once, he asked me out during Valentine which indirectly asking me "any plans? want work on Valentine? I don't want work on that day." Then since he's sort of a brother to me, I really never work and went out with him. He was joking around, buying a big soft toy and a rose with a couple jacket for me. I didn't take it seriously because he don't show it in a way he's serious or rather he can't show. Haha.
It was until the second hang out or third, he started to say he's serious but I treat it as joke. Cause he always have the joking face and tone so yea.. but I know he's serious and I know I'm not too know him well yet. Time pass by as we hang out so often..
And I really fall into him when I start noticing. However I wasn't ready for a relationship which I myself don't know at all. Then, we officially started as a couple in March 12. I know I'm selfish to start without even knowing him well ... but just as I thought it is happy life for us.. I started to remember my past which I initially don't want to remember. It's about my previous relationship. Thanks to that jerk, he actually allow me to know myself better.
About myself, I know nothing. I'm like a tomboy personalities which is buddy to guys, lesbian to girls. A neutral party I should say. I have many personalities due to different people different circumstances. And I GOT CONFUSE WHICH IS MY REAL ONE. And so... I kept trying and trying but I find nothing. Thanks to that guy, I actually find my relationship style, I should say.
As I remember, I stop loving him, my ex, deeper on the day we actually official started. I sense distance between us. (Which usually couple will further develop but for me, I started distance myself... I don't know why... I cant show any of my true form to himm.. I stop revealing myself..) until months later, I felt I'm not close with him. That's when we actually broke up...
For this really good gentleman guy, I should say it repeats. I actually starting to distance myself from him.. which I don't want. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want a happy go lucky guy to be sad or hurt. I told him the truth and asked him to remain as friend zone so as to let me love him more, let me reveal all of my personalities, let me be myself to him first... BUT I guess he can't take it..
I make him sad, I make him hurt, I RUIN another guy first relationship.. WHY. I have bad secondary school life, I gone through so much depression, cut wrist, try to suicide because of bullied by people.. I know the pain, I don't want anyone to hurt. I don't mind hurting myself again, I'm serious. I GUESS MEETING ME IS A BAD THING FOR HIM, FALLING IN LOVE WITH ABNORMAL GIRL IS A WORSE. Oh please my dear, if you can't take it, please let go of me already. I don't mind I get hurt. I really don't mind.
What I feel now is actually I'm a trouble to many people. To my friends, to my classmates, to my parents maybe, to my brother is confirm, to my sister I don't know, to him I'm really a BITCH. I'm a terrible trouble, please don't fall in love with me... I might give up thinking of relationship already because I'm abnormal thinker. I really will hurt people deeply. I'm sorry.. I really feel sorry.. I'm really sorry.. I'm angry with myself.. I really hating myself deeper.. If I hate myself, even there's people loving me I will not believe already..
Increasing the hate to myself _(._.)_
No comments:
Post a Comment